The gripping film chronicles college sexual assault survivors’ struggle for justice.

The Hunting Ground opens in select theaters this weekend. With this unflinching expose, sexual assault on college campuses gets the film treatment it deserves—a piercing, in-depth, journalistic look at the terror so many survivors face when coming forward.

It’s the first time that campus assault has been confronted this way on film. The Hunting Ground blends raw footage with first-person testimonies, following real survivors and their families as they cope with retaliation, harassment, pushback and university efforts to downplay and deny assaults.

It introduces America to two authentic heroes: survivors Andrea Pino and Annie Clark, who developed the strategy of using Title IX legislation to fight back.

Filmmakers Kirby Dick and Amy Ziering are known for their powerful chronicles of sexual assault: They recently helmed Oscar-nominated The Invisible War, a searing investigation into the rape epidemic within the U.S. military. That film won the Audience Award at the 2012 Sundance Film Festival, the 2012 Independent Spirit Award for Best Documentary, and the 2014 Emmy Award for Best Documentary and Outstanding Investigative Journalism.

Ziering recently explained the impetus for the movie to Vice: “It’s a problem of people not understanding. Certainly on campuses. The common conception right now, even with all the press, is he said, she said. It’s ‘sloppy sex,’ it’s ‘hookups gone bad.’ I think our film radically shifts the perspective and says, ‘Actually, no. It’s a highly calculated, premeditated crime.’”

Activists like Ali Safran are hailing the The Hunting Ground as a game-changer, not only as validation for survivors but also as an educational tool for the public. Safran, a rape crisis counselor, runs Surviving in Numbers, a nonprofit awareness campaign that lets sexual and domestic violence survivors share their stories anonymously, which she turns into posters on college campuses.

“The majority of the public doesn’t understand why colleges handle rape cases. They assume the police should handle them, if things are so bad—but schools can support students in a way that police can’t. Colleges can help a survivor change dorms or classes,” she explains.

The campus angle also crystallizes the society’s interpretation of assault across ages and cultures. “Campuses are microcosms of our larger society and sexual assault’s perception,” she says. “I hope that through this film people have a better understanding that not all survivors look a certain way, I hope that schools take notice, and I hope that survivors remember they deserve safety and justice. The issue is so pervasive that people might not actively think about it.”

With The Hunting Ground, they will. The film premieres in select cities nationwide; visit The Hunting Ground online to find movie times in your area and watch the trailer below:

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Visit NO MORE and download the free NO MORE toolkit to learn how you can spread awareness and support survivors on campus, especially during NO MORE WEEK, March 8-14, 2015.

 

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Say NO MORE March 8-14

It’s NO MORE’s birthday! NO MORE Week happens March 8-14, 2015. It’s a national effort to engage every individual, organization, or corporation to say NO MORE to domestic violence and sexual assault and to make domestic violence and sexual assault awareness and prevention a priority year-round.

Organizations across the country have joined us and you can, too!

Here’s a sampling of powerful NO MORE Week events happening nationwide:

In New Hampshire, New Beginnings crisis line and shelter holds a fantastic teen writing contest. Local teenagers ages 13 through 18 can write a 600-word essay or draw an original graphic novella to share why and how they say NO MORE. Winners are announced during NO MORE Week. We can’t wait to see what they come up with.

In Wisconsin, GoldenHouse shelter hosts a NO MORE fundraiser with Green Bay Mayor Jim Schmitt and Green Bay Packers former wide receiver Bill Schroeder, with photo ops and autographs.Photo Apr 16, 12 49 09 PM

NO MORE is partnering with the National Resource Center on Domestic Violence partners to host an online webinar for a “basic training” for military personnel and civilian partners. We’ll talk about the history of NO MORE and ways to use NO MORE to increase domestic violence and sexual assault awareness on military bases. Click here to register for the free online conference on March 10 at 3p.m. EST.

In Florida, a determined group of athletes will be starting their 78-day, cross-country journey on roller skates to raise awareness and funds to stop domestic violence and sexual assault. Decked in NO MORE shirts, the States On Skates athletes will roller skate a total of 2,823 miles, from Coca Beach, Florida to Santa Monica, California.

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Other places support NO MORE year-round. In Rhode Island, the RI Coalition Against Domestic Violence has used our symbol for three years to spread awareness through NOMORERI.org. Executive Director Deb Debare says that “the public response has been phenomenal.” Go Rhode Island!

Other states have joined with NO MORE for ongoing campaigns too. Hawai’i will launch its own NO MORE campaign to coincide with NO MORE Week. If you’re in New Hampshire or Pennsylvania, visit their localized NO MORE websites for statewide resources and ways to get involved. And if you’re in California, visit the California Says NO MORE website for ways to show support and to shop for NO MORE gear. Wear your support to say NO MORE!

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This is just a snapshot of the many places all over the country that will say NO MORE in March. To see more events, check out the #NOMOREweek map below.

To host your own in March and beyond or add an event to the map, visit NO MORE WEEK 2015.

 

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Say NO MORE with Break the Cycle

NO MORE teams up with partner groups to spotlight our cause throughout the year, and February is crucial for prevention: Teen Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Break the Cycle’s new CEO Amy Sanchez says that the highest rate of victimization for abuse and sexual assault occurs between the ages of 16 and 24. Break the Cycle, which since NO MORE’s inception has served on our Executive Committee, is the leading national nonprofit that empowers this group through education and outreach. Their prevention programs work to ensure that these relationships are healthy.

NO MORE works with Break the Cycle to boost awareness around teen sexual assault and violence. Amy Sanchez talked to us about why their work with NO MORE is so important—for giving these young survivors visibility and a voice.

Why is Break the Cycle’s work so important?

Adults often see young people as the future–but their voice isn’t often considered as being as pertinent as other voices at the table. But the highest rate of victimization is between 16 and 24. The youth voice in this conversation is more than just an add-on—it drives the national conversation about ending domestic violence and sexual assault. This is a key opportunity. In 2012, we established a partnership with the National Domestic Violence Hotline called Love is Respect, where a teenager who needs help can chat, call, or text for live help, figure out whether their relationship is abusive, learn how to help a friend and more.

What do teens cope with now that they didn’t 20 years ago?

Social media. On the plus side, twenty years ago, if a young person was experiencing violence, they could only call a hotline. Now they have more options. This openness can be a good way to get support. But the way in which youth interacts is different. When I was young, I talked to my boyfriend on our landline hooked to the wall. Now, my teenagers use text or Snapchat. In high school, if I did something I regretted, maybe my best friend knew. Now the whole world can know about it. It’s riskier. But social media also engages people. There’s a balance.

What are your thoughts about NO MORE, including the Super Bowl publicity and some of the resulting criticism?

NO MORE represents a huge opportunity to engage people who have not been engaged before. It’s a unifying symbol. We needed the brand. People recognize brands. I live in rural Wisconsin. All of my friends who know nothing about domestic violence and sexual assault and never talk about it now recognize it—because they watch football! Through NO MORE, we’re reaching people who have never been reached before. We’re engaging men. They are learning what these issues are, and we’re showing people opportunities for change. It’s extremely moving. A group of people can be watching football, screaming, then a NO MORE ad comes on and everybody’s quiet. These ads show the direct impact on people’s lives. We’ve been missing this.

TAKE ACTION: TEEN DATING VIOLENCE AWARENESS MONTH AND NO MORE WEEK 2015!

Love has many definitions, but abuse isn’t one of them.

To get involved in Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month, visit Love Is Respect. On February 10, join Wear Orange 4 Love by getting as many people as you can to wear something orange to spread awareness. Wear whatever you can think of, tell people why you’re doing it, and post updates on Twitter using #orange4Love #RespectWeek2015 and on Facebook.

Celebrate Valentine’s Day by helping your friends learn about healthy relationships. Sign up to distribute the National Respect Announcement on February 13.

NO MORE celebrates its second birthday in March—learn even more ways to spread the word during NO MORE Week, support your friends, get involved, and say NO MORE here.

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Prosecutor Kym Worthy brings justice to survivors at last.

In 2009, 11,000 untested rape kits were unearthed in a Detroit police warehouse, containing the DNA of perpetrators who could have been identified and linked to other crimes. Countless such kits sit untested nationwide. Trailblazing Wayne County prosecutor Kym Worthy took action and made the Michigan kits a priority. Through groundbreaking partnerships and legislation, she’s tackling the backlog to finally test the old kits and bring long overdue justice to survivors.

For Worthy, the issue is professional and personal: She’s also a survivor of sexual assault. She talked to NO MORE about her crusade.

WHY IS THIS BACKLOG ISSUE SO SIGNIFICANT?

The criminal justice system loses credibility when things like this happen. When sexual assault is already so underreported, this only makes people lose more faith. For women to be so intimately violated and then to go through the additional violation of an exam—they deserve a resolution. That evidence should be used by law enforcement to find her perp. Then she finds out that, after being assaulted, going through a four-to-ten-hour exam, it’s just sitting on a shelf for years and years? That person can’t believe in the criminal justice system, and other potential survivors can’t have faith in the criminal justice system. We need to make sure that our survivors know we’re doing everything we can to make sure it never happens again. We are going to try to bring justice to them now.

WHAT WAS YOUR REACTION ON DISCOVERING THESE BACKLOGGED KITS?

I was very angry: How did this happen? But, you know what? I had to move on. I couldn’t spend my energy looking back on how it happened. Obviously, we had to make sure it didn’t happen again. I had to focus on getting these kits tested, prosecuted, and focus on that. The way law enforcement treats these survivors is a priority.

IDEALLY, AFTER AN EXAM, WHAT SHOULD HAPPEN?

A rape kit should be picked up by law enforcement, taken to a lab and examined, and evidence should then be entered into a DNA database and to help find the link to other crimes. Rapists rape an average of 11 times; catching one is akin to catching many more. Most rapists are serial rapists.

Rapists rape an average of 11 times; catching one is akin to catching many more. Most rapists are serial rapists.

WHAT INITIATIVES ARE YOU WORKING ON NOW, AND HOW WILL THEY HELP SURVIVORS?

We just passed the Sexual Assault Kit Evidence Submission Act, which puts a timeline of about four months on testing for law enforcement and crime labs. It makes sure that going forward rape kits don’t sit in police departments and aren’t backed up. We had huge bipartisan support. We still have to deal with the old ones, though. We’re getting a handle on that. We’re also working with UPS to develop a tracking system on these kits. If we can track packages on Amazon, we should be able to track the shipments of these kits.

We’re also working on Enough SAID. [The partnership teams the prosecutor’s office with the Michigan’s Women’s Foundation and the Detroit Crime Commission for a pioneering collaboration to raise $10 million to tackle the rape kit backlog. The money will fund a cold case sexual assault team of detectives and attorneys to handle the kits.] Through Enough SAID, we’re proving that through focus, patience, and passion, this can be done.

WHAT DOES THE ENOUGH SAID INITIATIVE SIGNIFY TO THE SURVIVOR COMMUNITY?

That we have the potential to bring justice to thousands who wouldn’t have gotten it otherwise. We’re giving them confidence that every effort will be taken to give them justice.

HOW DOES YOUR EXPERIENCE AS A SURVIVOR SHAPE YOUR WORK?

I don’t think I’d be any less passionate even if not a survivor. How can anyone with humanity turn their backs on this issue?

THIS ISN’T UNIQUE TO MICHIGAN. HOW CAN PEOPLE IN OTHER STATES TACKLE THE BACKLOG PROBLEM?

Make it a public issue. Go to your police chief and legislature. Be vocal. The more we talk about it, the more we can make sure this doesn’t happen again. When a woman does have the courage to get an exam done, we need make sure we honor that and follow through.

Learn more about the rape kit backlog in your state and how you can help ENDTHEBACKLOG.

 

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We hear and read the phrase “sexual assault” often, but how do we define it? Below, we’ve answered 10 questions about sexual assault that you may be afraid to ask.

What is sexual assault?

“Sexual assault” is any unwanted sexual, physical, verbal, or visual act that forces someone to have sexual contact against his or her will. It’s motivated by the need to control, humiliate, and harm. Some examples are: harassment, rape, incest, oral sex, molestation, forcing someone to pose for pictures, and unwanted touching.

Read more at the Missouri Coalition Against Domestic and Sexual Violence.

What is rape?

It’s a specific type of sexual assault. It involves any forced, manipulated, or coerced penetration of the vagina, anus, or mouth by a penis or other object. It is not a crime of passion. It’s a crime of violence—often used to scare or degrade the victim. It’s a common misconception that sexual assault and rape are perpetrated by strangers.  Most survivors know their perpetrators. According to Bureau of Justice statistics, 60 percent of survivors are assaulted by an intimate partner, relative, friend, or acquaintance. This rate is even higher for women who were assaulted or raped in college.

Read more at Safe Horizon.

What is consent?

Sexual activity requires consent, which is defined as clear, unambiguous, and voluntary agreement between the participants to engage in specific sexual or nonsexual activity. Consent is an enthusiastic, clearly communicated and ongoing yes. Consent is a clear “yes” to your partner, not the absence of a “no.”  It’s not okay to assume that once someone consents to an activity,  they are consenting to it anytime in the future as well. As LoveisRespect puts it, “Whether it’s the first time or the hundredth time, a hookup, a committed relationship or even marriage, nobody is ever obligated to give consent just because they have done so in the past. A person can decide to stop an activity at any time, even if they agreed to it earlier.”

Nonconsensual sex is rape. A person who is substantially impaired cannot give consent.

Consent is NOT:

  • Pressuring or guilting someone into doing things they may not want to do
  • Making someone feel like they “owe” their sexual partner something — because they’ve engaged in an activity in the past, because they’re dating, because they expressed a desired to do that activity earlier in the night, or because one person gave the other a gift, etc.
  • Reacting negatively (with sadness, anger or resentment) if someone says “no” to something, or doesn’t immediately consent.
  • Ignoring a sexual partner’s wishes, and not paying attention to nonverbal cues that could show you’re not consenting (ex: pulling/pushing away).

How many rape and sexual assault survivors are there?

According to a 2010 Centers for Disease Control study: One in five women are raped in their lifetime in the United States. That’s 22 million women. One in 71 men are raped in their lifetime. This adds up to 1.6 million men.

As for sexual assault: It’s estimated that one in four women and one in six men experience an unwanted sexual experience in their lives.

Are we making any progress?

Yes. The Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network estimates that the rate of sexual assault has fallen by more than 50 percent in recent years.

When does rape or sexual assault typically occur?

Rape and sexual assault can happen at any time. However: Most victims of rape and sexual assault are females younger than 24. Forty-two percent have been raped before age 18. As for guys, researchers estimate that 1 in 6 men experience unwanted or abusive sexual contact before age 18.

I’ve been assaulted. Where can I get help?

In an emergency, call 911. For counseling, call the National Sexual Assault Hotline for free counseling, 24 hours a day: 1-800-656-HOPE (4673). The call is anonymous and confidential unless you choose to share personally identifying information. You’ll be connected to your local rape crisis center and an advocate may be able to meet you at the hospital. You can also chat online in English and Spanish. Find detailed resources here.

My friend was assaulted at a party while drunk, and she’s blaming herself. How can she get support?

Drugs or alcohol are often used to compromise someone’s ability to consent to sexual activity. It’s not your friend’s fault. The Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network has explicit suggestions and resources for coping if you’ve experienced sexual assault while under the influence of alcohol or drugs.

My friend was assaulted and I’m struggling with how to offer support. What can I do?

The best thing to do is to listen without judgment and provide help when needed. Here’s a more detailed list of helpful responses for friends and family.

I need more resources. Where can I turn?

To learn how to help someone in an abusive relationship or to get help for yourself, contact The National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).

For more information on rape and sexual violence services, contact RAINN—the Rape Abuse Incest National Network at 1-800-656-4673 (HOPE) or by secure, online private chat HERE.

For teens and youth, call 1-866-331-9474 or text “loveis” to 22522 or live chat at www.loveisrespect.org.

To find more information regarding male survivors of sexual assault and domestic violence, check out Men Can Stop Rape’s Resources for Male Survivors.  Men who may have had unwanted or abusive sexual experience in childhood, family members, friends, and partners of men who may have had those experiences can also use the 1in6 Online SupportLine—a free, confidential, and secure service—to get help.

For more information for survivors, friends, and family, visit NO MORE.

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Researchers estimate that one in six men have been sexually assaulted or abused before age 18. So we were gratified to read this Washington Post Outlook section, which exposes the persistent double standard for adult male survivors of teen sexual abuse by a female. These survivors are often mocked, doubted, ignored, or even congratulated. After all, doesn’t every teenage boy dream of being seduced by an older woman? That’s the myth.

The Post article tells the story of Cameron Clarkson, who was sexually assaulted as a 16-year-old high school student by a female teacher, Gail Gagne. Gagne was ultimately fired and charged with a misdemeanor, a slap on the wrist compared with the felony charges she could have faced. Clarkson, on the other hand, was berated by teachers, admonished by attorneys, and targeted by anonymous harassers.

This is typical. From the story: “For male victims of sexual abuse, this is how it goes. Growing evidence shows that boys who are sexually preyed upon by older female authority figures suffer psychologically in much the same way that girls do when victimized by older men. But in schools, courts and law offices, male victims are treated openly with a double standard, according to interviews with a dozen experts in law, psychology and social work. … Male victims typically receive lower awards in civil cases, the experts say, and female perpetrators get lighter sentences.”

The important thing for men is to realize that this has happened to other men. There are 19 million fellow survivors.

Steve LePore is with 1in6, an organization that helps men who’ve had unwanted or abusive childhood sexual experiences live healthier, happier lives. 1in6 has enabled thousands of men come to terms with their experiences. While men deserve the same sense of justice as women, their recovery process is uniquely challenging.

“Often, if a teenage boy comes forward, the response is, ‘Wow, you scored!’” says LePore. “How horrible is it for a young boy who’s suffering trauma to be told that he should be happy?” LePore likens this response to the typical reaction that women historically faced when accusing a man. “Women were asked, ‘What were you wearing?’ Same take, different gender,” he says.

It’s no surprise, says Lepore, that most male childhood survivors don’t disclose their abuse until their late thirties or early forties.

So how can men cope?

Realize that there’s no timetable for recovery. “There are no schedules in recovery. Pace yourself. Don’t rush. Men tend to think: ‘Let’s quickly fix the problem and move on.’ My caution to men would be to stay patient. Seek out therapy and support, and ease into your recovery.”

Get support before going public. Once recovery begins, “There can be a rush for people to want to tell their truth. We are all for that if the timing is right, and if the man has support. But because there is an uncertainty around the way people will respond, do so when you have a support network in place. It’s enormously traumatic for a man to go public if he’s not believed,” says LePore.

Remember that you deserve compassion. “Little boys are told not to cry. Their masculinity is questioned. But there’s something wonderful and liberating about facing the past and reclaiming your life,” says LePore. Sadness and anger are justifiable and often cathartic.

Find a role model. “We want to reduce the age at which men deal with this so they can live a more complete life,” LePore says. “Often men begin to acknowledge their experiences when they hear someone else talk about it. They think, ‘If that guy did it, I can too,’” he says. 1in6 has resources for men to find other survivors, locate survivor workshops in their area, and ways to get peer support.

Most of all: Understand that you’re not alone. “The important thing for men is to realize that this has happened to other men. There are 19 million fellow survivors. And I don’t think I have ever spoken with a man who didn’t think he was the only one,” LePore says.

Men and boys are victims of domestic violence and sexual assault too.  According to recent estimates by the CDC, 1 in 4 men have experienced violence by an intimate partner at some point in their lifetime and 1 in 5 men have experienced some form of sexual violence in their lifetime.

Will you help us end the stigma and shame for male victims of domestic violence and sexual assault? Join us in saying ‘no more’ to the myths and excuses that male survivors too often face.

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If you or someone you know is a male victim of domestic violence or sexual assault and needs help, please contact the appropriate hotline:

National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)

National Sexual Assault Hotline at 1-800-656-HOPE (4673)

Please visit 1in6 for additional resources and information for male survivors of childhood abuse.

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This National Football League season got off to a disastrous off-the-field start. In early September, TMZ published a video of Baltimore Ravens running back Ray Rice punching his fiancée (and now wife), Janay Palmer, in an elevator. Days later, Minnesota Vikings running back Adrian Peterson was charged with child abuse for striking his son with a tree branch. The Associated Press named the N.F.L.’s domestic violence problem the top sports story of 2014, ahead of Donald Sterling’s racist comments and LeBron James’s return to Cleveland.

For a league in peril, with its commissioner, Roger Goodell, under sharp attack, the next step was almost predictable: Start running some public-service announcements.

If you’ve watched a football game in the last two months, you’ve almost certainly come across one inescapable commercial. Current and former N.F.L. stars, looking straight into a camera, take turns saying the words “no more.” No more what? No more “But he’s such a nice guy” or “She was asking for it” or “He just has a temper.”

Read the full article

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We begin the year with a message of hope: 2014 was the year a new national conversation surrounding sexual assault and domestic violence began, and together we’re working to sustain and gain even more momentum as we head into ‘15. It was hard to select from so many, but here’s just ten of the many incredibly empowering takeaways, big and small, from the past twelve months. Looking at them in one place is a great way to get energized for the year ahead.

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Hashtag activism. Thanks to social media, the message is spreading—fast. In a year of bombshell headlines, there was a constant chorus of online voices saying (and Tweeting!) NO MORE. From Bev Gooden’s #WhyIStayed to #YesAllWomen to #IamJada, supporters spoke out.

Diversity. The LGBT community, male activist groups, and the Marines—to name just a few—are speaking out against sexual assault and domestic violence.

Transformational laws. Legislators are redefining what “consent” really means. This year, the pioneering Yes Means Yes law was passed in California. (Check out this interview with one of the activists who helped work on the bill.)

Men joining the effort and leading change. More and more men are speaking out through activist and support organizations like A Call to MenParty With Consent, Men Can Stop RapeThe Rhode Island Coalition Against Domestic Violence’s Ten Men Project, and 1 in 6.

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NO MORE in Times Square. In November, Viacom billboards aired NO MORE PSAs every six minutes.

Greater awareness about financial abuse. The wounds are invisible, but financial abuse occurs in 98 percent of domestic violence cases. Actress Kerry Washington spoke out about it through Allstate’s Purple Purse initiative.

Brave writers sharing their stories. More and more, journalism is becoming a hospitable forum for survivors and advocates to find a voice. Don’t miss this courageous piece on child sexual abuse, forgiveness, and self-discovery by New York Times columnist Charles M. Blow, or this story about the complexities of speaking out by Dartmouth College professor and rape survivor Susan J. Brison in Time.

Campus activism. From North Carolina to New York to Alabama, students nationwide are speaking out.

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Hollywood and sports embracing the message. The cry against domestic violence and sexual assault is reaching wider, more mainstream audiences as the message moves to the forefront. Maybe you saw a NO MORE PSA (developed pro bono by Rachel Howald and her team at Y&R and the Joyful Heart Foundation, and produced pro bono by the Viacom Velocity team) during a Law & Order: SVU marathon on USA Network, on 12 Viacom networks including MTV, BET, and Comedy Central, or while watching your favorite football team.

Project Unbreakable. This ever-evolving photo gallery that showcases survivors holding quotes from their rapists gave thousands of people validation and a voice. Check out this gallery with 21 men and their signs. Yes, men and boys are survivors, too.

How did you say NO MORE this year? Share your stories with us on Facebook and Twitter (#NoMore), and keep spreading the word. Happy New Year.

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A role model for gamers everywhere, Naomi Kyle grew up gaming in her small Canadian town, Ste-Agathe-Des-Monts. Today, the twenty-something inspires gamers as host of the award-winning news show The Daily Fix on IGN Entertainment, where she covers games, tech, and entertainment. Naomi talked to NO MORE about why she supports our mission and how important it is for bystanders to speak out.

As a leader in the gaming industry, why is NO MORE’s mission so important to you?

The NO MORE campaign is fighting to break a deep-seated silence surrounding domestic violence and abuse. It brings to light an issue that continues to poison homes across the world and is often kept in the shadows. People need to see what goes on behind the curtain, what kind of suffering takes place — sometimes right under their noses — and to give those families a voice. The only way to change it is to fuel the discussion.

I want to fight for those who don’t have the support of their community or the capacity to fight for themselves and to teach those around them the importance of speaking up for their fellow man. Given my exposure in gaming and the industry’s information fluidity and abundance, I feel I can really have an impact. NO MORE embodies a powerful message that resonates. That was the appeal of the campaign for me. It struck a chord, because the message was clear, direct, and effective.

In an industry that’s often scrutinized for its association with violence, NO MORE is my vessel to help educate and raise awareness around domestic violence and sexual abuse.

I’ve met people who were affected by domestic violence and found the courage to speak out, and it’s what saved them. But I know, more often than not, others aren’t so lucky. It makes me want to do something. The silence and lack of awareness about these matters has to stop. They’re real and won’t go away until we act and expose them. It’s affecting our society on the deepest of levels. I want others brought to this campaign to feel a sense of strength and individual voice, because I truly believe NO MORE  brings that out in everyone it touches. It’s why I joined, and it’s why I want to share that feeling with the gaming community.

In an industry that’s often scrutinized for its association with violence, NO MORE is my vessel to help educate and raise awareness around domestic violence and sexual abuse. The gaming industry has been a massive part of my life, and I would hate to see it lost to these injustices because we didn’t speak up.

What’s your advice to women who want to get into the gaming industry but might be afraid or reluctant based on recent news?

In regards to what’s happening in recent news, don’t discount it or stop thinking about it, but definitely take your entry into the industry as a positive thing and don’t let anything deter you from it. The more women enter, the more the gaming space will morph into our ideal. Simply by joining, you’re encouraging others to do the same and adding to the numbers. Just think of all the lives you’re influencing simply by going for it.

Does your role in the industry ever make you feel intimidated or afraid — and if so, how do you cope with it?

I guess if I’m ever really afraid it’s almost always out of fear of being judged as inadequate. The way I cope is by reminding myself that I’m the only who gets to decide what I consider inadequate. No one else can dictate that for me. Set your own bar, a bar that makes sense for what you want to achieve, and work toward that. Don’t focus on what others think, focus on you achieving for yourself.

This applies to anyone in the public eye. I often see people censor themselves when they’re about to tweet something or post something controversial. Sure, the fear is there and it’s hard to get rid of, but if you focus on your end goal and know that fear will simply hinder you, then work against it. Do the opposite of what your fearful self might tell you. See what happens, bask in the excitement of making the “what ifs” happen.

Any words of wisdom for men and women who want to follow in your footsteps?

Play tons of games. Never let anyone determine how well you’re doing because you know whether you’re giving it your all or not. Always speak up for your fellow man and for what you think is right. And never give up on your dream of joining the industry — it needs you.

Learn about how you can join Naomi and get involved with NO MORE right here.

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Before there was The Brady Bunch or 19 Kids and Counting, there was Yours, Mine, and Ours. The 1968 movie starring Lucille Ball and Henry Fonda portrayed a real-life, blended family with 20 children. (It was remade in 2005 with Dennis Quaid.)

Tom North was the 11th child. Although his life seemed idyllic on screen, it was filled with violence and abuse by his stepdad, Frank Beardsley, played by Fonda. He wrote about this double life in his memoir, True North – The Shocking Truth about “Yours, Mine and Ours.”

The holidays can be a particularly stressful time for adult DV survivors, especially those with children. Everything’s supposed to be happy and rosy, with plenty of family and togetherness — but what if your family has caused you pain? Here’s Tom’s story and his tips for getting through the season.

My father, Richard North, died in a Navy jet test flight crash when I was six years old. Fifteen months after he died, my mother, Helen North—who had eight kids—re-married a man named Frank Beardsley who had ten, making us one of the largest families in the country. We became famous, and our story was featured in the blockbuster movie Yours, Mine and Ours starring Lucille Ball as my mother and Henry Fonda as Frank Beardsley.

But it wasn’t one big happy family at all. Beardsley’s violence and abuse created a life of intimidation, turmoil, fear, and depression for my siblings and me every single day. At school, everyone thought we were happy and rich. In reality, it was common for Frank Beardsley to knock me or another child across the room. When we asked why, he’d say, “Just for drill.” He also sexually abused the female kids on a regular basis. Every day when he came home, the message would shoot through the house as we scrambled with fear: “He’s home. Run!”

I’d feel horribly guilty and ashamed because I was supposed to be happy, and I wasn’t.

We couldn’t reach out to my dad’s family because visits from my grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins were forbidden. Frank was insanely jealous of anything related to my father, so he put a halt to any communication with my North family.

I didn’t know my North cousins until recently, when I attended a North family reunion. I marveled at how my daughter, who came with me, relished and soaked up all the stories of our lost relatives. The emotions that ran through my heart as I listened to and spoke with these “lost North” relatives of mine were intense. I had lost a very important chapter in my life that could never be replaced, especially the cherished relationship with my grandparents.

So my memories of holidays as a kid are more about the feelings of conflict and depression. There was always the anticipation of violence. I didn’t understand how we could sustain such a horrible emotional environment in the household and still celebrate Christmas as if everything was fine. Then, I’d feel horribly guilty and ashamed because I was supposed to be happy, and I wasn’t.

Luckily, today I’m a proud husband and dad. I’ve since been able to reconnect with my North relatives to form a sense of family—something I’d never known. This has been a key part of my survival process. So has supporting CASA for Children, whose volunteers provide a net of support and bring a positive change to the lives of abused and neglected kids.

But I don’t have to repeat the cycle: Instead, I can try to create a sense of family for my own children—something I never knew.

Even though I learned how to create a positive and healthy environment for my family, the holidays are still hard for me and for so many others like me. The happiest time of the year just isn’t. But I don’t have to repeat the cycle: Instead, I can try to create a sense of family for my own children—something I never knew. Here are some of my suggestions to help other adult survivors and their loved ones create and sustain family ties, allowing children to really absorb and appreciate their heritage.

  1. Talk positively about your relatives when you can, but tell the truth about your history (and edit according to kids’ ages). It’s important to deal with the reality, but not dwell on it. This is better than sweeping it under the rug. Focus on the positive, the good, when you can.
  2. Set up a family evening where you look at family pictures and home movies. This is a chance to share personal history. If painful memories arise, identify areas that need some work as well as family to support and validate one another.
  3. Share family stories of grandparents and deceased relatives. Children need to know they’re connected.
  4. Celebrate holidays with relatives that focus on a special tradition. Every Christmas Eve my wife cooks a special pasta dish, and everyone gets to open one present that night. This provides consistency and something positive to anticipate.
  5. If possible, create opportunities for kids to spend a night with grandparents and cousins, provided those family members are safe.
  6. Start a “Family Notebook” where family members can contribute special items, pictures, and poems to document holiday occasions for the future. We have family photo albums that we pull out and look through. Sometimes we light a candle to remember loved ones who have passed, which sparks wonderful stories.
  7. Network in the community as a family. Volunteer together for a food drive, or sing at a nursing home. Doing this can create a lasting memory of goodness and togetherness.
  8. Remember, this shouldn’t end when the holidays are over. Build your family narrative all year long.

Get help 24 hours a day, seven days a week at the National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE. Visit NO MORE for more survivor resources.

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