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Early Warning Signs of Abuse

Early Warning Signs of Abuse

The best way to protect yourself from an abusive partnership is to avoid an abuser altogether.  It is far more difficult to leave an abusive situation once you’re in it than to never begin in the first place. Abusers are master manipulators.  They may hide these signs or mask them early on.  They often appear to be nearly perfect partners until they believe they have their target on the hook.  So, if you see some of these signs in your dating relationship, keep an eye on your partner.

1. Love Bombing

Love bombing feels amazing.  Your partner will shower you with attention and affection early on and make you feel special, loved, and appreciated. Love bombing lowers your defenses and makes you feel closer to the person than you really are. 

Love bombers will tell you how amazing you are from the start, sometimes before you have even met.  They may say you are their soulmate or they’ve never felt so connected to someone before.  They’ll tell you you’re special and unique.  They’ll share secrets with you they claim to never have shared with anyone else and ask you to share yours. 

They’ll spend all their free time with you.  They’ll call and text you constantly.  They’ll keep you up on the phone all hours of the night- keep in mind sleep deprivation lowers your defenses.

Love bombing is incredibly intense, incredibly early.  You may find your gut questioning how this person can really have these feelings so soon.  But, if you ignore that gut instinct, the love bomber will likely start to devalue and demean you once they feel they have you. The best way to react to love bombing is asking the person to slow down.  If they say they will, but don’t respect your boundaries, or if they become angry or defensive, you know you are being love bombed.  True love grows as you get to know someone, and getting to know someone takes time.

2. Moving the Goal Post

In the beginning, an abusive partner is anything but abusive.  They are generally doting, kind, and affectionate. They often mirror your values and goals in order to reel you in. But, over time, that changes.  

If your partner begins to change their opinions and values quickly during your relationship, that’s a sign your partner may be abusive.  For instance, maybe when you met, your partner told you how much they admired your hard work and devotion to your career, but now, you notice subtle digs about how you’re always working or you should stay home with your children. 

This inconsistency applies to day-to-day disagreements as well.  A disagreement that may have been easily resolved a few weeks ago can easily lead to a knock down, drag out fight that continues for weeks on end the next time. After this long fight, your partner will likely shower you with love and affection or promise to change. 

The cycles of confusion with intermittent positive reinforcement creates a strong chemical reaction in your brain called “trauma bonding.” Trauma bonds cause the target to become unconsciously addicted to the abuser.  The brain responds to the intense highs and lows and conditions you to crave the abuser and hold out hope that they’ll become the loving person you first met once again. Trauma bonding is one of the reasons the average victim of abuse will leave seven times before leaving an abuser for good.

3. Isolating You

At the beginning, an abusive partner may compliment their targets friends and family and want to spend a lot of time with them to appease their target.  But, over time, the abusive partner will start to pull away from the target’s loved ones and encourage the target to pull away as well.

An abuser can isolate their target through several tactics.  First, the abuser may text and call non-stop when the target is out and expect immediate responses.  When the abuser doesn’t get an immediate response, the abuser will likely become angry at the target.  The abuser may accuse the target of flirting with or cheating with others.  They might start fights with you when you come home or before you leave. The abuser may say that they were just worried about the target’s safety. But, the target often slowly pulls away from friends and family to avoid the conflict with the abuser.

Eventually, the abuser will place seeds of doubt in the target’s head about their friends and family.  The abuser may refer to the target’s loved ones in derogatory terms like “sluts” or “idiots.” The abuser may tell you your friends and family are speaking poorly about you.  The abuser may say your friends or family are flirting with them.  When a target has a strong support system, it’s harder for abuse to thrive.  Abusive partners recognize this and work to pull their targets away from those support systems.

4. Owning You

An abusive partner doesn’t truly see you as a person.  They see you as a possession. Early in your relationship this manifests as the abusive partner saying you are “theirs” or claiming you are their boyfriend or girlfriend very early, sometimes even before the first date.  Though you may feel flattered at the attention, claiming you early is a bad sign.

As the relationship progresses, the abusive partner will slowly begin to have opinions on your life.  These opinions may include what you should wear, who you should hang out with, and where you should go when.

5. Disrespecting Others

Does your partner make derogatory comments about others?  Does your partner call other people names? Has your partner told you that they dated someone “crazy” in their previous relationships? Does your partner have close relationships with others? 

An abusive partner may appear charming at the beginning.  But, if you pay attention to how they talk about others, you’ll likely find that they are disrespectful.  Abusers may call co-workers names like “idiot” or “stupid.” They may call their mother or other women “slut,” “whore,” or other derogatory terms.  They may touch or pinch you in ways that make you uncomfortable. If they talk to and about others disrespectfully, it’s only a matter of time before they talk that way to you as well.

6. Expecting More From You and Others Than They Do Themselves

Abusers often have double standards.  They will look down on others for the same things that they do. For instance, abusive partners may call someone derogatory terms because they slept with their partners, but the abuser has had even more intimate partners.  Or, they may tell you you spend too much money, but they buy themselves something even more expensive.

7. Blaming Everyone Else

Abusive partners often blame others for their own actions.  They usually only take responsibility for their actions when they’re trying to manipulate someone. For example, abusers will tell their victims that the abuse is the victim’s fault.  They will say the victim “made” them do it. But, they also won’t take blame for other issues in their lives either.  Watch out if your partner gets in trouble at work and tells you it’s because everyone is out to get them or their co-workers are jealous. Abusers may also blame the police for their past arrests.

8. Pushing Boundaries

In order for abusers to thrive, they have to be able to break your boundaries.  They will start in small, subtle ways. This could look like continuing to leave their dirty dishes in the sink after you’ve asked them to rinse them and put them in the dishwasher. But, over time, they encroach more and more on your boundaries.

They may begin to text and call you constantly when you’re spending time with others.  They will begin to coerce and guilt you into doing things you don’t feel comfortable doing.  When you push back, they’ll lash out or try to convince you things aren’t happening the way they are.  

It’s easier to get out of abusive relationships earlier.  If you see these signs in your relationship, know that they won’t get better.  If you are ready to get out, make a plan to get out safely and visit your local domestic violence organizations for resources and advice. 

Find your local domestic violence support service at NOMOREDirectory.org

 

About Sarah Stewart:

Sarah is a domestic abuse survivor, mom, attorney, author, and speaker. She lives in the U.S. where she strives to change the narrative and culture surrounding domestic violence. Her first book, The Monster in My Home: Surviving Evil, was published in October 2022 and chronicles her own experience with domestic violence and teaches others how to avoid or leave abusive relationships

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How Does Abuse Grow?

About Sarah Stewart:

Sarah is a domestic abuse survivor, mom, attorney, author, and speaker. She lives in the U.S. where she strives to change the narrative and culture surrounding domestic violence. Her first book, The Monster in My Home: Surviving Evil, was published in October 2022 and chronicles her own experience with domestic violence and teaches others how to avoid or leave abusive relationships

I was raised on fairytales.  I learned about the knight in shining armor at a young age.  I consumed the movies and books that showed unwavering pursuit and refusal to accept rejection as a desirable trait and a display of true love and affection.  My perspectives of romance and true love were warped by society and the lack of strong, healthy relationship role models from the time I was a young girl. 

Though inwardly, I had no desire to marry or have children, I felt the outward pressure of family and friends to have a relationship.  They questioned me, seemingly innocently, in my teenage years and early twenties about my romantic relationships. Was I dating? Had I found a partner? How many kids did I want to have? When would I have children?  I didn’t know the answers.  And, my lack of answers to these questions made me feel insecure and inadequate.

So, I found someone.  Or, rather, he found me. He found me when I was 22. I wasn’t initially interested in him.  But, he continued to pursue me—you know, like they did in the movies—and I eventually gave in.  It took me a few dates to really become interested in him.  But, when I was, he rushed our relationship. I felt it then, but I didn’t listen to myself.  

He showered me with attention and affection.  He complimented me constantly.  He wanted to spend every free moment he had talking, texting, or spending time together.  We were on the phone most nights until the black, cold, early morning hours.  He shared his deepest, darkest secrets with me and only me- so he said.  He wanted to know mine too.  He wanted to know everything about me to understand every thought and breath I made-so he said.

By the end of the first month, his belongings started showing up in my home.  Every time he came over, a new item appeared.  I noticed.  I pretended I didn’t.  His affection and attention were all-consuming. It felt good to feel wanted.

By the end of the sixth week, he told me he loved me.  I remember how odd it seemed.  He blurted it out, in the middle of a spat about a male friend of mine.  His words stopped me cold in my tracks.  “You didn’t expect me to say that, did you?” he chuckled.

I caught my breath.  “No. No, I definitely didn’t.”

“I know.  It’s a little fast.  But, you’re it for me.  I know.  It’s ok if you don’t love me yet.” He said.

And, I didn’t.  I knew I didn’t, but I rolled the words over and over in my mind.  It felt good to be loved.  And, the way he loved me then was like the movies.  He was kind, understanding, affectionate.  He really seemed to know me and understand me on a level I hadn’t experienced before.  Though, I sometimes wondered how someone could feel that way so quickly, I often got validation from my friends that this relationship was ok.  It was how it was supposed to work, right? That’s what most of us thought anyway.

By the end of our second month together, he proposed.  I was confused.  I felt rushed.  But, here was this man that I was starting to think I might love, kneeling in front of me.  I didn’t want to lose him.  I didn’t want to hurt him.  But, I wasn’t sure about marriage- not to him necessarily, just in general. I said “yes” anyway.  I asked him not to let anyone now just yet because it seemed so fast to me.  At this point, he hadn’t left my house in weeks.  By the end of that week, he openly moved everything in.

Our relationship slowly began to change over the course of the next few years.  He started with jealousy.  He questioned any male friendship I had.  He texted me constantly when I was out with my friends.  He’d become irritated if he wasn’t invited to go or if I didn’t respond to him quickly.  At the time, he couched his jealousy in concern for my safety.

His “concern” for my relationships with others grew.  Eventually, he accused me of cheating on him with my male friends.  So, to prove my love for him, I had to stop hanging out with them.  Then, he started in on my female friends.  If they weren’t hitting on him, they were saying horrible things about me behind my back. He was very detailed in relaying their betrayals.  He could repeat every word. I pulled back from a lot of my friendships. The betrayals weren’t the reason.  Something inside me didn’t fully believe him but pulling away was still easier than battling the barrage of word vomit about how monstrous my friends were and what I must be doing while I was out every time I came home.

Then, he began going through my texts and social media messages.  He’d find messages from months or years before we met and use them against me.  He’d tell me how horrible I was for having these messages in my inbox.  Messages with friends, people I had dated, or just messages from strangers I hadn’t even responded to.  But any sort of insinuation of attraction in these messages somehow cheapened me in his eyes.  He was teaching me that his love and affection were conditioned on how I responded to him and his needs.

I wound up marrying him, despite nagging doubts. The bad times were really bad, but the good times were really good.  I still had glimpses of this storybook fictional romance and I held out hope that I’d eventually get back to that. But I never did. The storybook tale was just a fantasy.

After the wedding, he constantly devalued me.  He’d bring up the old texts and social media messages.  When I tried to leave, he’d bear-hug me until I promised I wouldn’t go, tears streaming down his face. So, after a year of fighting and trying to talk him into getting control of his jealousy and anger, I packed my bags and left while he was at work.

That’s when he threatened to kill himself.  He said he couldn’t live without me.  He was so terribly sorry, and he was going to do better.  He agreed to go to counseling.  We went to counseling for a few months, and he did get better.  So, I moved back in.  Our relationship was the best it had been since the beginning for several months.  He convinced me he had chosen to change.  So, we planned to have a child.

During my pregnancy, things got bad again.  They continued to get worse and worse until the day I left almost four years later.  And they didn’t end there.  After our separation, his abuse continued to escalate.  He seemed completely out-of-control.  But it seemed like no one else could see it.  No one would listen to me.  He presented himself so well outwardly that no one could believe how dangerous he was to me, my children, and his future partners.

The narrative didn’t change for me until after his arrest for several violent offenses against his girlfriend at the time.  Though, a couple years after his arrest, a jury still found him not guilty of the offense- despite his admissions on the stand of abuse.  A week after his release from jail, he was arrested again.  This time for first-degree rape.  

About nine months after that arrest, the District Attorney dropped the charges.  In that time, I got no contact orders for me and my children.  But he’s still out there.  Now, he’s on his fourth protective order and wears an ankle monitor to prevent him from contacting his victims, but he’s still out there.  He’s still hunting his prey.

Amid my struggles with the ex, I needed to clear my trauma-clouded thoughts.  So, I started a journal.  My journal separated my realities from his fictions.  As I navigated the family and criminal court systems, finding myself continually let down and re-traumatized, I realized my experiences could help someone else.  So, I turned my journal into The Monster in My Home: Surviving Evil to share my experience, and what I’ve learned over the years.  I hope that my words can help protect and empower others.

And now, I am honored to join No More as a guest blogger. My goal is to explore the multitude of issues domestic violence survivors the world over experience and give tips, advice, and education to help survivors navigate the systems and traumas that hold us back.  I want to change the cultural perspectives around domestic violence, hold abusers accountable, and empower victims to break free from their abusers and the chains of their traumas.  I hope you will join me on this journey.

 

If you or someone you know experienced domestic violence, help is available.

Find your local support service at NOMOREDirectory.org

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Commonwealth International Day for the Elimination of Violence Against Women Ending Violence Against Women and Girls in the Commonwealth – Actions and Inspiration

NO MORE joined forces with our partners at the Commonwealth of Nations to celebrate the International Day for the Elimination of Violence Against Women and Girls on 2 December and spotlight the actions and inspirational work across the 56 member countries.  

 

The event aimed to highlight cross-sectoral good practices, including legal, judicial, health and education measures, to tackle one of the most pervasive human rights violations. Ministers, senior policymakers in Commonwealth member countries, High Commissioners, representatives from partner organisations and activist groups joined this unique conversation.

 

Participants from across the Commonwealth heard from dynamic speakers about the need and reality of ending violence against women and girls while showcasing the work of NO MORE chapters throughout the member nations.

 

A highlight of the event was a conversation between the Secretary-General of the Commonwealth, the Rt Hon Patricia Scotland KC and Jude Kelly CBE, Founder and Chief Executive of the Women of the World (WOW) Foundation (https://thewowfoundation.com/). During this intimate exchange, the Secretary-General stated: 

 

“Around the world, women and girls suffer from lifelong trauma due to physical and sexual violence. Yet this cruel reality is preventable. Each of us must choose to take personal responsibility to bring an end to the hidden epidemic.”

 

The Secretary-General invited everyone to join the Commonwealth Says NO MORE campaign, which offers a series of culturally sensitive toolkits to businesses, non-profits and grassroots leaders to engage whole communities in addressing the root causes of violence. Patrick Ryan, CEO of Hestia, shared the work of UK Says NO MORE, highlighting the particular emphasis on supporting key legislation on domestic and sexual abuse prevention.  

 

Lyndsey Dearlove, Global Director of Operations at NO MORE, inspired the audience to take positive action to end violence against women and girls. Ms. Dearlove spoke of the need for civil society to participate in the whole system approach and work collaboratively to save lives.

 

Pamela Zaballa, Global CEO of NO MORE, joined the panel conversation. She shared her perspective of collaborative working and inspired audience members to consider the work of local NO MORE chapters in all Commonwealth member countries. Reminding everyone of the consequences of violence, Ms. Zaballa joined the Secretary-General in a call to action of now being the time for coordinated effort at the individual, local, national and global levels.

 

Moderating the panel discussion with speakers from the event, Jude Kelly CBE said the Commonwealth’s top-down leadership on this issue shows that it is not afraid to raise the carpet on previously hidden violations. She continued: “That truthfulness, that candidness and that clarity about a systemic problem will give people the courage and the stamina to move forward.” 

 

At the NO MORE Foundation we look forward to continuing our partnership work into 2023 engaging in finding local solutions for this global problem.

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KNOW MORE – Global Dialogue on Ending Domestic and Sexual Violence

KNOW MORE

Global Dialogue on Ending Domestic & Sexual Violence During NO MORE Week 2023

Throughout NO MORE Week 2023, NO MORE chapters and partners from around the world will participate in the second annual KNOW MORE Global Dialogue series. Stay tuned to see the full list of webinars and events.

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16 Days of Activism to End Violence Against Women and Girls

Like many 23-year-olds, she left on a once-in-a-lifetime trip through Europe with only a backpack, her phone, and an Instagram account to share her adventure. She had planned her trip carefully, but also knew that any question she might have or new arrangement she might make could easily be answered by the myriad of available travel apps. It was all going as planned until the unthinkable happened — she was sexually assaulted in a foreign country whose language she did not speak. Terrified and alone, the information, and crowd-sourced and expert recommendations she had at her fingertips, could not help her find the aid and advice she really needed. While once true, that is no longer the case thanks to the NO MORE Global Directory. 

This first-of-its-kind, comprehensive international directory of domestic violence and sexual assault resources in every UN-recognized country and territory in the world is intended to serve as a global hub of information and resources for victims and their loved ones.

It’s a lifeboat in a flood of pain and emotion, and the epitome of what NO MORE was meant to be when it was founded nearly a decade ago.

November 25th marked the first day of UN Women’s annual global campaign “16 Days of Activism to End Violence Against Women and Girls.” Running through December 10th, “16 Days..” brings organizations like NO MORE together from around the world to highlight and raise awareness of the continued challenges women and girls face globally — challenges including limits on education, free movement and economic freedom to domestic and sexual violence, restricted reproductive rights, and harmful practices such as female genital mutilation (FGM). 

From the start, NO MORE has had a dual purpose — to be a voice for survivors and their families, and to educate and engage those of us who have not been directly impacted by violence and abuse to help prevent it going forward.

Our many tools, like the Global Directory, do both, letting victims, survivors and their family and friends know there are people by their side, ready to help. 

And through its broad adoption and availability by partners like The World Bank, UN Women, Trip Advisor, Avon, and more, the Global Directory serves as a symbol that though there is more to do, there is a common thread connecting everyone working to end domestic and sexual violence.

At NO MORE, we continue to focus our efforts on ending domestic and sexual violence. Alongside our 1400 allies, supporters and survivors, we raise awareness and create useful tools that provide education for friends, family members, colleagues and first responders to help improve the response to domestic and sexual violence. We want to be sure that if and when someone they know discloses domestic or sexual violence to them, they feel confident responding and empowered to find the services needed.

 

With your support, we can continue to help survivors of domestic or sexual violence around the world access specialist information that is regularly updated and checked for accuracy.  This includes 24-hour helplines, shelters and emergency contacts.

Click here to support NO MORE

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How to Get Consent—and How to Ask For It

It can be hard to ask for something—help, advice, even an extra ketchup packet sometimes. But asking gets us one step closer to what we want, and that is what consent is all about.

NO MORE is proud to join the National Sexual Violence Resource Center in celebrating Sexual Assault Awareness Month (SAAM) with their I Ask campaign. Asking for consent is healthy, normal, and a necessary part of everyday interactions—and that includes in personal relationships.

The truth is that is feels easy to use consent in small everyday interactions, versus our most intimate and often most vulnerable moments. We explored this last year after Babe.net published a piece detailing an anonymous woman’s account of being violated by the comedian Aziz Ansari. That piece tipped off an important, and sometimes frustrating, online and offline discussion of what consent means and how to ask for it—or even whether or not it’s needed.

We won’t rehash that debate, because we—like so many others celebrating SAAM —believe consent is important at each and every step of a sexual encounter. Talking openly about sex is integral to understanding consent, and to learning how to communicate, understand, and respect sexual boundaries. Unfortunately, sex is still a very taboo subject — but if we can’t talk about sex with our clothes on, how are we ever going to be comfortable talking about it with our clothes off?

Read More

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We know the past several years have brought some incredible change in how society addresses sexual assault and domestic violence, but there’s always more we can do to keep pushing for a better, safer world for all of us. That’s why the NO MORE community is continuing to take action where it counts.

That includes engagement with the companies and services we use every single day—which is why we’re proud to partner with Uber, local law enforcement, service industry, and local rape crisis centers on a new campaign—“Stand up, Don’t Stand By”— to promote safety and help prevent sexual assault before it starts. 

Going out is supposed to be about friends and fun, but sometimes that’s not the case. That’s why we’re working across all sectors to launch a coordinated effort to stop sexual assault before it starts by encouraging friends and other bystanders to step in and intervene when they see something. The end goal is to ensure respect, safety, and fun are all a part of going out—from the club door to the car door to the front door. 

The new campaign, which will appear inside bars and around metropolitan areas, is initially focused on two nightlife hubs—Las Vegas, Nevada and Los Angeles, California—and includes messages and educational tips for friends out on for a night on the town, nightlife staff, and Uber drivers as well as outdoor billboards rolling out in Las Vegas and Los Angeles next week. At the same time, participating bars have received a staff training, run by the local rape crisis centers, to help identify individuals in need or incidents that require intervention. Interested in participating? Request a training here. 

   

Given NO MORE’s dedication to getting the issues of domestic violence, sexual assault, and abuse out of the shadows and encouraging everyone, from all walks of life, to be part of the solution, this ongoing partnership with Uber offers a huge opportunity to raise awareness, support prevention initiatives, and ensure that potentially lifesaving resources are prominently available.

The new “Stand up, Don’t Stand By” campaign follows the 2017 announcement of a multi-year commitment as part of Uber’s “Driving Change” campaign that includes both internal and external sexual assault and domestic violence awareness and prevention initiatives. This reflected a partnership with us and a number of organizations that are part of NO MORE’s coalition, including Raliance (the coalition of leading sexual assault organizations: California Coalition Against Sexual Assault, National Alliance to End Sexual Violence and National Sexual Violence Resource Center), the National Network to End Domestic Violence, Women of Color Network, Inc., Casa de Esperanza, A CALL TO MEN, and the National Coalition of Anti-Violence Programs.

NO MORE is committed to working with individuals, organizations and corporations that are truly interested in bringing about change. To make progress and to address a deeply embedded culture of violence, we want – and in fact need – to be in as many boardrooms, classrooms, and living rooms as possible, as well as on the networks and platforms where people live, work and play.

This has been our philosophy and guiding principle since we launched in 2013. We set out to create a powerful, visual way to express support for ending domestic violence and sexual assault. We sought to unite anti-violence organizations into a coalition. And we developed PSAs, as well as other marketing tools, to make our voices even louder and stronger.

In just a few years, NO MORE has successfully brought together the largest coalition of advocacy groups, service providers, governmental agencies, major corporations, universities, communities and individuals, all under a unifying symbol in support of a world free of violence. Nearly 1,000 organizations and 75,000 individuals have joined NO MORE. Hundreds of schools have NO MORE groups, and another almost 30 local city-wide, state-wide and international NO MORE programs have been born. Thanks to our partners, our PSAs have gotten more than 4.4 billion impressions.

But, of course, we have only scratched the surface. Even without the recent spotlight, we know that much more work needs to be done to change the fact that, on average:

  • 1 in 3 women experience sexual assault or domestic violence at some point in their lives;
  • 1 in 6 men experience sexual abuse before the age of 18; and
  • 65% of victims who come forward say no one helped them.

We’re thrilled to continue our important work with Uber. This is one more way we will come together to fight sexual violence, and to say: NO MORE.

VISIT DONTSTANDBY.ORG   LEARN MORE ABOUT UBER’S GLOBAL COMMITMENT

Thanks to all the partners that made the #DontStandBy campaign possible—Uber, Oberland, Las Vegas Metropolitan Police Department, Los Angeles Police Department, The Las Vegas Rape Crisis Center, and Raliance.

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Casa de Esperanza, in partnership with NO MORE, is proud to announce that DECIMOS NO MÁS is currently exhibiting a strong public presence through a four-panel ad covering more than 7,000 square feet in New York City’s Times Square which started Monday, March 12 and will finish on Monday, March 19.

The advertisement features a 30-second video wherein a mother reminds her teenager that healthy sexuality is about more than just sex – it’s also about respect, consent, and appreciating differences. Watch the advertisement video below.

DECIMOS NO MÁS, a bilingual sister campaign to NO MORE, was created to encourage and provide guidance for parents and caretakers to have meaningful conversations with children and youth about healthy communication, healthy relationships, and healthy sexuality.

At WeSayNoMas.org, parents and advocates can find resources, materials, and information about how to encourage, start, and enhance conversations with their children and young adults about navigating relationships, boundaries, respect, sexuality, and interpersonal communication. For parents, DECIMOS NO MÁS provides tools in English and Spanish such as conversation starters, mock scenarios, and practice cards, in addition to several pages of information that encourage critical thinking around topics such as consent, addressing confrontation, understanding boundaries, and whether it’s too late to talk to children about sex and relationships.

Additionally, DECIMOS NO MÁS offers free, openly usable tools, including social media graphics, infographics, and website banners for advocates and organizations to spread to their networks, put on their materials or websites, and co-brand with their own logo. NO MÁS also has 30-second radio and video PSAs that are co-brandable and available to use in your communities. For more information about co-branding, please email Rebecca De León at deleonr@casadeesperanza.org.

The advertisement was produced in collaboration with Joey Horton, a freelance Graphic Designer and Motion Graphic artist based in the Dallas area. He is currently finishing a degree within Emerging Media and Communications (EMAC) at the University of Texas at Dallas’ School of Arts, Technology, and Emerging Communications (ATEC).

Click here to see the ad video in English.

Click here to see the ad video in Spanish.

DECIMOS NO MÁS is able to provide free violence prevention resources in English and Spanish to Latin@s from a culturally relevant lens thanks to sponsorships from Uber, the Avon Foundation for Women, the Verizon Foundation, and donations from people like you.

If you would like to contribute to NO MÁS, please consider making a donation here.

Proceeds from NO MÁS products in our store also help fund the campaign and provide more resources to families and advocates across the country. To browse the NO MÁS products in our store, click here.

About Casa de Esperanza

Casa de Esperanza, founded in 1982, is a leader in the domestic violence movement and a national resource center for organizations working with Latin@s in the United States. As a leading national Latin@ organization, Casa de Esperanza builds bridges and connections among research, practice, and policy to advance effective responses to eliminate domestic violence and to promote healthy relationships within Latin@ families and communities. The organization provides innovative prevention and intervention services, supports and community engagement approaches and through its national project, the National Latin@ Network for Healthy Families and Communities (NLN), it provides training and technical assistance to practitioners and activists throughout the U.S. and in Latin America, organizes national and regional events, engages in federal and state public policy advocacy, and conducts research on issues that affect Latin@s in the U.S. and abroad.

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After Nassar, East Lansing T-shirt designer offers help with ‘No More. #MeToo’

This article originally appeared in the Lansing State Journal:

EAST LANSING – By day Austin Pabian works as a graphic designer for an education group. By night, he creates “drinking team” tanks and T-shirts for fraternities and other party crowds at Michigan State University.

Now the 23-year-old entrepreneur is using his skills to promote the #MeToo movement. Upset at the revelations of sexual abuse of gymnasts and other athletes by former MSU sports doctor Larry Nassar, Pabian decided to fashion teal-colored T-shirts for men and women in time for Sexual Assault Awareness Month in April.

The T-shirts cost $15 each, including mailing costs, and Pabian will donate all profits — about $10 a shirt — to Lansing sexual assault awareness groups. One shirt reads “No More. #MeToo.” A second version has a more graphic adjective inserted between “No” and “More.”

Pabian said he was stunned listening to the impact statements of more than 200 survivors over nine days of court in two counties.

“I was baffled. As I’m sure most people can agree, I had no idea that was going on,” he said. “It was shell shocking.”

Pabian’s girlfriend, Robyn Lowes, pursued gymnastics throughout childhood and was on a club team at MSU. She graduated last year. She knows some of the Larry Nassar survivors and looked up to other of the gymnasts.

The January impact statements affected her deeply.

She cried a lot. Pabian wanted to help her.

“He kept saying, ‘What can I do? What can I do?’’’ Lowes recalled. “He said, ‘I wish I could do something,’”

He found that something by combining the teal T-shirt with the #MeToo movement…

READ THE FULL ARTICLE HERE. TO ORDER A TEE, VISIT FIREWATERAPPAREL.CO/METOO.

ORDER A TEE

 

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Starting the Journey of Healing from Sexual Assault through Writing

Elena Sánchez is an eighteen-year-old senior at River Falls High School in River Falls, Wisconsin. She is an artist, writer, survivor, and an enthusiast of all things involving music. Through her writing, Elena is finally finding her true voice and sharing her story.

I wrote this poem during my transition from silence to finally speaking out about the sexual assault I experienced as a child. I kept my assault hidden from my entire family for twelve years, until July of 2017.

This poem exemplifies the whirlwind of emotions, loneliness, and suffering I experienced all the while keeping silent. I reached a point in my life where I began to question why I continued to silence myself instead of speaking out…I see now that it was because I was still that scared little girl. I have finally broken through the walls I enclosed myself in many years ago, and I am no longer scared, ashamed, or controlled by the dark memories that haunted me from the shadows of my mind. I believe that writing is the artistic equivalent of bleeding—for me, it was time I let myself be truly honest, and bleed.

This is my story of transitioning from that scared little girl, to a woman finally confronting her past, and embarking on the slow journey of healing.  I hope this serves as an outcry to those who are afraid to speak out. You do not need to hide any longer, and you are not alone.  

Sitting Down and Bleeding…For the First Time

The veil of suppression has been lifted.

Years of silence now lay in shards of glass on the ground,

Yet I still lie awake with memories of your eyes following me

From the shadows.

 

My proclivity to run from the past

Has been hanged.

Every experience, emotion, memory,

Come flooding in all at once.

 

I now welcome these waves.

I allow them to seep into my

Cracks and holes born from

Years of breakage.

 

I am my experiences.

I am strong.

I am transcendent.

I am a survivor.

If you or someone you know needs assistance, counseling, or referrals to local advocacy centers, please call the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 1-800-656-HOPE (4673) or click here to chat with an advocate online. You are not alone.

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