Show your support for NO MORE domestic violence and sexual assault
I wanted to share my story. People talk and everyone thinks they know everything but I want you to know what really happend. Although my actions leading me to this are unprecedented, what happened is not okay. I was never fully able to talk to this until recently because it's a hard thing to talk about. But I'm laying it out on the table. Here is a recent journal entry I'd like you to read ------
I never wanted this. I didnt chose this. I wanted a family and a house with a white pocket fence. I wanted chickens, cows... a farm, the whole 9 yards. But in a blink of an eye you stole that from me. I thought we were friends, but then you started being different. Your voice changed...you had this aggression about you that was well different. You told me that people thought I was a POS. You told me i would never get to see my daughter.. my house... my job...it would all be lost. You said you would be sure of that. You made me so scared. You told me I had to go to the river to talk if I wanted things to change you told me that I would lose everything if I didnt. I was scared. I was confused. I went and tried to kiss me. I said no I have a husband. And you got upset. You grabbed my wrist and told me to stop. I should have ran but I was scared. I remember the tears welling up in my eyes. You reached over and opened my door and pushed me out. I remember it was cold and wintery. I couldnt get up I kept slipping. You came around the car as I was pulling myself back in. You dragged me by my hood to the front of my car and held me face down by my neck...I remember the tears rolling down my face. I remember being so afraid begging you to stop and you wouldnt. Struggling to get away but I couldn't...you pushed me to the ground and finished what you had to. I sat there with the tears rolling down my face and you told me to get up. I slowly did. You told me noone had to know but if I said anything everyone would know. I was speechless. I didnt want to lose my entire world. Who would believe me...then for 3 months I tried to ignore you, I tried to block you and every time I did you broke me down again. You forced my to say things I didnt want to say send things I didnt want to send. You made me feel so icky inside. I pushed you away so many times but you made sure that I couldnt run. I gave in to you verbal demands of praise toward you because I was scared , how dumb was that!? you made me belive I was worthless yet you felt like the highest of highs. But I was so scared. I should have just told on you. In hindsight I could have fucked up your world right then and there, I wish I had. I take back everything that happend. It wasn't my fault it was yours. You took advantage of me. Then one day I had enough. I was going to do it. I was going to tell on you my plan was set. I wanted to tell you no more. How dumb could I be...you ripped my right out of my car. You weren't gentle at all. You said I was a whore and if you cant have me noone can. You threw me to the ground. And held me down. I kicked i did tell you to stop but you wouldnt. You hurt me and because of you I'll never be the same. You stole from me. You took something that was not yours. All because if you couldn't have me noone else can. I hate you so much. You made me feel so scared and worthless. I never should have listened to you. But now you got what you wanted but not fully. You sir will never have me. And never could. But you also took something from me with that. You took away my life. My family. My husband and I can never get that back. You ruined me. And I will never forgive you. You are the scum of the earth and you made something beautiful, ugly. How can someone even do what you did. Well lesson learned. You taught me something valuable. Never trust anyone. I hope you rot in hell and die a painful death. I hope you lose everything as I have....your friends..family..kids...i hope you lose it all. Now because of you I'm a cheater...because you hurt me not once but twice, my life will never be the same. I have been marked with the scarlet letter. My label will always be whore..slut..cheater...what did you do this to me!! No more. I will stand up for myself I will make life right. Despite the label you have given me. I will rise above and show everyone. I am worth more than what they say. So fuck you. Go to hell and die. You were right when you said if you cant have me, noone can. Finally everything came to light. I told you I was telling my husband. You already did....you never even gave me the chance, you made up a story that put me so far under that I didnt even have a chance. I was still so scared. The words just wouldnt come out. Slowly but surely they did, but it wasnt my story. Not only did you have my head fucked, you had everyone else's heads so fucked, believing your lies. Yes what happened was absolutely unnecessary I should have prevented it but I was so clammed up I wasnt thinking straight. But you, you raped me!! You stole from me!! Then your best friend someone who I thought was mine put me in the worst situations, but all I wanted was a friendship. She never told me the extent of how close you guys were. She took me to your house, I always refused to go in. The first few times I never understood or knew why we went there.let alone knew we were going at all. She knew I was uncomfortable, you could see it when we pulled up. I always waited in the car. You would message me just furious. I ignored you. You got more angry. Your friend..my friend...whatever the fuck she was would finally come out and we would leave. Oh the relief I felt. I would rush home after that. My trust for people slowly faded. Finally on the second to last one, I realized why she always went there and I'm finally realizing why too. You both stole from me. You both put me in situations that hurt me and did either of you care? Awe fuck no. I hate you both. My life will never be the same because of you. Now I sit here at the bottom. Looking like the scum of the earth trying to pull my weight from 6 feet under. I will prove I want more than what you gave me. I deserve more. So fuck both of you. I will succeed I will rise above. People will always believe what they want, that just people. But I know my story. I know what happened. It was never supposed to, now I have to prove I'm right and your wrong. I've come thru worse. I am a good person. Watch me go as I watch you fall. Do you even understand the traversity you caused in my life! I will always be the bad one because of you. Because of you my husband cant even look at me the same. You know what happend but you're too much of a coward to come forward! You will get yours. Maybe not now, but someday. I may have made a mistake but I dont deserve what you did to me or the cards I've been given. All this you've done now gets to sit and eat me away because I have no one. You took everyone from me. Because of what you said and the things you made me say and do, my own husband doesnt even want to hear me. I just want to scream. It hurts. So so bad. I want to hide and never come out. I just need someone to talk to. Someone that understands what happened to me. I get it. My husband is mad. I has every right to be hands down, but where is my hug! Where is my are you okay. Because I'm not. I'm not okay at all. I'm breaking inside trying to hold on. Grading my last straw. I dont want my marriage to fail. I love my husband so much. Why did you have to take that from me! I would do anything to make it better. I'm feeling like the world would be better without me today. I just want this pain to go away. I want to see the light. I'm off to bed now...I pray to god I dont wake up. I dont want to face another day. I cant. You ruined my life. I just want to scream. Why was I so scared scared of you!?. Cant anyone see I'm downing. I need help. Help me please!!!! I can't breath and the walls are closing in. Just give me a sign it's my time to go!!! Please. I just want to feel beautiful again. I just want to be worth something. My husband knows the truth now and although it will take time, we are mending. But remember you will never bring me down. You may have stole from me but you have not broken me. Chelsea
